Unconfuse Me... Argh
I can't sleep. I have this nervous nauseousness in the pit of my stomach. The thought of us breaking up is crazy. What would we do without each other. Our lives sucked before we started dating, and even though we fight sometimes it's still a way better life with him than it was before. I don't even get what happened... A week ago we were eating at a restaurant discussing the possibility of our parents meeting because we are getting close to 9 months with no major signs of breakup in the future. 2 weeks ago it was valentines day and we were shopping for each other... together. It was the most cheesy thing lol. A month ago I got back from uruguay and we were on such a high being back together. I mean how do you go from that to this in a month when you've been pretty steady for 8 months? What we are going through right now feels like what we went through the first month of the relationship. We fought alot and got upset with each other but somehow we managed to overcome it and learned how to fix our problems. Why are we fighting again? And why over such stupid things like tests and cleaning house?
I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight. In 4 more hours I gotta get up anyways if I'm gonna go to his house in the morning before class. I'm upset becuase I know how damn much it hurts to break up and how long it takes to get over it. I told myself not to get into this at the beginning cuz I'd be kicking myself for it in the end.
He says we've been off since I got back. We have been different but not always in a bad way. I think we were even better a few weeks ago than ever. The biggest problems have just been this week and this has been a hard week.
Then there's the drifting. I think we notice it most when we watch tv. There are two recliners and I usually sit very loosely and comfortably but this week I've sat way over on one side of the chair, farthest from him, ready to get up and leave. One reason is not really cuz I don't wanna spend time with him cuddling in the same chair together (cuz I do), but cuz really I'm sick of watching tv. The Olympics totally killed any craving for tv I had before. I also have this weird feeling of embarrasment to show my emotions like I had at the beginning. It's a really stupid thing... I mean I totally would like to show my affection but something is making me hold back. Maybe it's his stress or something. The way he expresses his stress is something like the way my mom expresses hers. I mean the venting and slamming and noise that goes on just drives me insane. I had to deal with her shit for so long that I just cant stand it anymore. Maybe when he gets upset it reminds me of her getting upset and I react the same way. I got really distant from her and maybe thats why I've been distant with him. I don't wanna go down the same path of putting space in between me and other people Im close too cuz that totally kills relationships.
This is probly gonna end up in me having to change yet again. I can only change my ways so quickly. Theyve been ingrained in me over a lifetime, it's gonna take some time to undo the damage. I wonder sometimes, should I change? For the most part I like myself for who I am.
I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight. In 4 more hours I gotta get up anyways if I'm gonna go to his house in the morning before class. I'm upset becuase I know how damn much it hurts to break up and how long it takes to get over it. I told myself not to get into this at the beginning cuz I'd be kicking myself for it in the end.
He says we've been off since I got back. We have been different but not always in a bad way. I think we were even better a few weeks ago than ever. The biggest problems have just been this week and this has been a hard week.
Then there's the drifting. I think we notice it most when we watch tv. There are two recliners and I usually sit very loosely and comfortably but this week I've sat way over on one side of the chair, farthest from him, ready to get up and leave. One reason is not really cuz I don't wanna spend time with him cuddling in the same chair together (cuz I do), but cuz really I'm sick of watching tv. The Olympics totally killed any craving for tv I had before. I also have this weird feeling of embarrasment to show my emotions like I had at the beginning. It's a really stupid thing... I mean I totally would like to show my affection but something is making me hold back. Maybe it's his stress or something. The way he expresses his stress is something like the way my mom expresses hers. I mean the venting and slamming and noise that goes on just drives me insane. I had to deal with her shit for so long that I just cant stand it anymore. Maybe when he gets upset it reminds me of her getting upset and I react the same way. I got really distant from her and maybe thats why I've been distant with him. I don't wanna go down the same path of putting space in between me and other people Im close too cuz that totally kills relationships.
This is probly gonna end up in me having to change yet again. I can only change my ways so quickly. Theyve been ingrained in me over a lifetime, it's gonna take some time to undo the damage. I wonder sometimes, should I change? For the most part I like myself for who I am.
posted by mythreefeet at
3:12 AM
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