Argh I don't know what to write today. I'm just sitting in my living room with a fan aimed at me. It's so hot. My bf wants to go to the movies tomorrow but there are some catches for me. I'm not really interested in the movie he wants to see and I don't want to go in the morning (its cheaper). The perk is that he will pay for my ticket since I'm in a cheapo mood. Eh. Oh well, we'll see.

Friday we finally leave to study abroad. I'm so tired that I'm hardly looking forward to it right now. I need a day to stay home. We have been running around like mad and i'm just so sick of it. He can't seem to sit still for one minute and just be. I also feel like I'm gaining weight and I'm not totally sure why. I think it's partly becuase when I diet his choices tend to influence mine in a bad way. And I'm stressed about packing and being ready so that's not helping. I'm up to 180 now. I was at 175 the other day. Argh. I get upset when I start gaining weight, which seems to make me gain even more weight. Ugh.

I started the day well with rice and spinach and a slimfast but then he had pizza and I had two slices of his pizza. And then I got home and my mom made meat loaf and I had a peice of that. And some toast with butter and a bite of mashed potatos. I managed to finish it all off a few hours ago with a large portion of cheesecake. Man do I feel like I fucked up today. Good thing I'm not running to the cupboard to make myself feel better. At least. I moved furniture and hauled shit up and down stairs today for about an hour. And a while ago I did ddr for an hour.

In the past fews days I've done alot of walking. But not good walking. Just slow, like walking through stores, and parking lots. And my feet hurt and I haven't burned calories. Suck that my bf thinks that kind of walking is exercise. I mean it burns calories but the amount you burn isn't worth the pain in my feet. For this pain I'd rather run a mile every day and have blister and being actually losing weight. Not gaining. Sucks so much freaking ass.

It will be interesting to see if I still lose weight in another country with him around me. I have a feeling he's gonna go for the pizza and the fish and chips and anything thats made with chicken or deep fried. Argh. I have a hard time as it isss...

Slimfast

Fruit

Slimfast

Oatmeal

Fruit

Salad/Soup for dinner.

I was supposed to lose weight for this trip and I ended up gaining weight. Doesn't that always fucking happen?! I can't really blame him much although he does seem to be really insensitive to my need to diet. And when I tell him what I plan to have for dinner which probably doesn't include any type of meat, he insists "well, you gotta eat some type of meat." I mean wtf. I don't eat meat every day because A I don't like it. B alot of meat isn't good for you. He doesn't eat any veggies or fruits at all by the way. He doesn't exercise. If it weren't for me I don't think he'd ever exercise at all. He's 25 and the way he walks resembles the walk of an old man. And he slouches alot.

He just generally looks unhealthy. It bothers me because if I marry him I don't want to see his health deteriorate in his 40's. Thats just sad. And kind of unfair to me. It's also kind of embarrasing. I know that sounds awful but geez. We are going to London and he's the totally american tourist. Khaki short, brand new white tennis shoes with white socks pulled half way up his calves. And a plain solid colored t-shirt. I'm not asking him to be "cool" but argh just to put a little more thought into his selection of wardrobe and health.

I can see tomorrow going something like this. Out of a deep sleep I hear the phone. It's 8.10 and he's calling me to go to the movies. I barely shower and get out the door, grumbling in a bad mood. I pick him up and he hasn't shower yet either. This was supposed to be a date, like old times. So we get there watch the movie, which ends up being too damn long, and he suggests lunch. I don't wantt to buy lunch and I don't want to eat out becuase I'm cheap and I'm fat. We eat out anyway and I get "arghed" becuase I screwed up two-fold. Blah blah blah, the rest of the day is wasted walking through various stores we alrady walked through yesterday and watching boring tv at his house. I go home at 11 and wonder why the fuck I haven't packed yet. "Because he wasted my day." Argh. SO many little things bug me about him.

1) walking through electronice sections of stores repeatedly.
2) finging every target within 20 miles to find something specific.
3) eating out and having to pay for his meal too when i didn't wanna eat out in the first place.
4) watching 3 episodes of the same show back to back on the dvr.
5) eating dinner in front of the tv because thats what he was taught.
6) when he walks ahead of me at a fast pace and then stops dead to look at a deal.
7) getting upset when I go off to look at my own stuff and leave him to his stuff.
8) doing the same route around target every single time we go there.
9) we go through electronice every time but he never bothers to ask if I wanna look at the clothes.
10) not leaving me in peace when I don't inclue any meat in a meal.
11) cutting me off when we walk around a corner.
12) when we walk through his neighborhood he gets tired after only 10 minutes.
13) he always wants me to help him do stuff like cleaning when he's perfectly capable of doing it himself.
14) he gets mad when I tell him to do his laundry because its laying all over the fucking living room floor blocking the walkway.
15) he leaves trash everywhere.
16) he always asks me to get him a water bottle when I've clearly sat down only two seconds ago.
17) he's jut lazy.
18) he blames his mom for a lot of his laziness. yes his mom.
19) he claims to have a high tolerance for pain but if he gets a tiny cut on his hand he wont be happy till he gets a bandaid on it.
20) he insists on using paper plates, paper cups, plastic utensils for eating and then leaves them laying around everywhere. The point is to make cleaning up easier.
21) he spends a lot of money. I worry that living with him would be a financial migraine.
22) i cant talk to him about these things I'm mentioning because he gets upset and takes it as an insult. or throws it out as not being a problem or a big deal.
23) he's 25, I'm 20. Obviously one of us is not legal yet, but he will still leave me out alone if we are in a group and everyone is drinking. I find it insensitive.
24) he's got a major ego but i think i'm at least starting to crack it. he'll take an idea I proposed and claim that he's a genius for coming up with such a "brilliant idea."
25) he averages about4-8 units a semester and he doesn't even work.
26) he'll come over to do geeky shit with my dad and stay till like 1 in the morning. hell talk so loud that i can hear him from every room of the house. at least they don't take my car everywhere now since a guy hit them when they were driving it. my god...
27) he says racist things because of the area we live in. i dont even think he realizes how he sounds.
28) when we drive by a questionable person he will look at them directly and lock the door as we pass by. i think we could get shot one day if he does that to the wrong person.
29) when we walk by a questionable person he will make an obvious beeline away from the person and then get back on path. its embarassing and rude.
30) if he wants something he buys it. so if its time for his bday, i can't get him a good gift cuz he's got everything already.
31) he watches too much tv.
32) he is stubborn. but now i don't care. if i lose him to his stubbornnes it will ultimately be his loss and his fault. so i usually get my way now.
33) he doesn't have very good table manners. neither do i but just becuase we are in denny's versus a steakhouse, is not an excuse to dramatically change the way you eat at the table.
34) he'll order a pizza and eat the entire thing in one sitting.
35) he'll order chicken teriyaki which usually has veggies mixed in. then he'll pick all the meat off the plate and throw away all the veggies, even though they are covered in teriyaki sauce.
36) he used to want me to pick up lunch or dinner for him all the time. I think thats where alot of my money went.
37) he usually does things like go walking with me somewhere if he's got some kind of advantage for doing it. like if we go walk at a nice park he'll do it cuz there is a walmart on the way back. i don't think i ever remember him doing something only for me without having an ulterior motive.
38) when we took some classes together last semester he expected me to do so much of the work for him and then blamed me when he didn't get a good grade. if he does that again i couldn't care less if we break up. he needs to learn how to do his own damn work and be independent.
39) he's sometimes a little too honest with me about my looks. i don't appreciate it when he points out the flaws i have associated with my weight. he's no model either.
40) he doesn't brush his teeth very often and then when he kisses me i feel suffocated by bad breath. he wont floss because he says his teeth are too crowded. bullshit. mine are crowded too.
41) i at least bother to be showered most of the time before sex but he almost never showers or even brushes his teeth. its not sexy to kiss somebody with yellow plaque stuck to his two front teeth and dry lip skin stuck to the corners of his mouth. its almost nauseating.
42) he takes his mom's shit. i don't know why.
43) i pick him up almost every time. i get up earlier than him to go to school and i pick him up and i take him back and i study for both of us and i end up getting a worse grade. im too stressed.
44) when he eats at my house he leaves his trash and dirty dishes around. its okay once or twice but he does it every time.
45) he's a baby. doesn't like tea cuz its "too hot." doesn't like to go for a walk in his neighborhood cuz its "so ghetto" which it is not. wont walk at the mall cuz it's "too crowded." wont go out in the evening cuz there is "too much traffic," and I am the one driving, by the way. wont eat veggies cuz "they don't taste good." won't shower "cuz its a hassle." doesn't brush his teeth because he "doesn't have his own bathroom." wont change the birds water cuz it "will bite" him. is afraid of more bugs than me and i am afaid of spiders pretty badly. wont clean the kitchen cuz it makes his "back hurt." wont drive his own car because the "drivers window doesn't work" or because my car gets better gas milage, which actually means i pay for all the fucking gas.
46) he calls me "solitary" when i dont get his food and watch tv with him and help him do stuff. maybe it is but i'm tired of being like his mom. he needs to do shit for himself.

things that i do under his influence that i hate.

1) i eat much more fast food.
2) i spend alot more money than i used to.
3) i hardly exercise.
4) i am more messy now than i have ever been.
5) i dont have friends.

tomorrow i should do his movies thing and immediately come back home and be away from him. his bad habits are getting to me. i mean they are even rubbing off on me.

I changed some things about myself so we would get along better. I eat more often with him which tends to be unhealthy food and that sucks. I study with him which means i usually do most of the studying and that makes me stressed and angry. I don't point out things he might wanna change about himself anymore becuase he gets defensive or gives me an excuse for his being that way. For example if i tell him i am not happy paying for a lot of our meals he says we balance each other out cuz he buys some of them or pays for our hotel stays on vacations. i mean yea he pays the bigger bills but my litte expenses add up to more than the big bills he pays. another example was our last vacation. it was to celebrate our one year anniversary. i didn't know what to give him as a gift so he thought it would be a good idea for me to help with gas and food and the hotel in exchange for the gift he would give me. He spent maybe 15 dollars on my gift. Yeah. Thank god we at least abandoned the idea of me helping with cost once we were there cuz i would have been extremely pissed.

i find it satisfying that he will be forced to walk in london. and eat food he's not familiar with. and share a room with people he doesn't know. and have to learn to live in another culture. we could be going to another culture entirely, like spain, but at least its different. i find it satisfying that he will HAVE to go out with a lot of people around him and just get used it. there will be no tv or computer to escape to. and im glad there wont be any target. he is driven very very strongly by habit. same food all the time. same stores. same route inside the stores.

well i have to stop cuz my computer isn't too happy right now. its very hot.