My Toughts

I'm trying to sort this out. The way things are going I feel like a big decision has to be made about us staying together or not. I want to stay with you so bad but at the same time it feels like I might be better off without you. I don't like how when we get into an argument or disagreement about something, you disappear for a few days. I can't imagine marrying somebody who does that to me once a month. The reason I am reacting this way to this particular fight is becuase I don't feel I deserve this from you. It's not really right to disappear after somebody tells you you need to do your own share of the work (and moreover if they are right about it). If you react this way even when we both know I was right, then I know the problem isn't mine. And I've been trying to figure out what the problem is with me but I understand now that its not my problem. I've also learned my lesson already about what to do with guys who disappear on you. You don't give into it. You walk away because you will only make yourself more miserable. So this is your last chance. You can fix it or leave. I'm tired of chasing after you every time we get in a fight and I am not going to deal with it anymore.

What is the point of continuing this relationship if we aren't going to get married? I'm not dating you casually. I take this relationship seriously and I try my best to make it work. I hope you are trying your best and if you are not I wish you would try harder. I do more than my fair share of work. I take the blame many times when I don't even feel I did anything wrong after we fight - because I want to be with you. I do the majority of the work in the classes we take together. I do the majority of the driving. I hold in alot thoughts about you like the psychology thing because I know how you will react even to the slightest criticism. But I can't be running at 250% every day with you. I need to fall back on you too but I don't feel that I could depend on you, at least from what I've seen from you.

It's really mostly your loss. I'm a good person, I have a decent family, I am a harder worker, I am loyal, I'm there for you when you need me, I'm patient, I'm smart, and I'm strong enough to let this one go, if you can't suck it up and be the other half of the relationship.

I'm gonna go take a nice hot bath in a few minutes but first I wanted to write about how I'm feeling. I wanna lose some more weight so I think I might go back to Jenny Craig sometime soon. I think I hit another platteau. My first bad one was at 180 and now I can't seem to get lower than 170. I guess I can try one more time by myself. Presently I'm more like 176 lbs cuz I've sorta given up trying to lose and just trying to not gain. I think it would be reasonable to try and get to 160 by February. To get to 170 will be easy, I just have to resume exercising on a daily basis and change a few things in my diet. In other words, just doing as I would do to maintain my health. However to get lower than 170 would require me to do probly another 15 minutes of day of moderate to hard exercise and and cutting back on portion size. I don't worry too much about portion size, as I worry about what it is that I eat. I try to avoid the bad fats, and simple carbs, and sugars other than those in fruit and milk etc. I also try to eat some oddball things like blueberries and walnuts and soy beans to get some other nutrients that are supposedly good for long term health. It's going to be hard to get to 160, not really because of the platteau but because I'm not really taking a break from school. From fall semester, I'm going into intersession and then into spring semester with 16 units. It's not that what I'm taking in school is super hard, but that I'm just tired of it. I need some time to concentrate on my body and my health. When I get stressed with papers and tests I turn to food for comfort and energy. Luckily I don't turn to it when I get upset with other people or else I'd be like 300 lbs lol. My heaviest was 205 and I don't think I felt much different about how I looked as I do now. I know my clothes didn't fit at all the same though. At 205 I saw myself as heavy but proportional and therefore somewhat fortunate that all my weight was not only in the belly or in my butt and thighs. If the weight were in my butt and thighs tho, I'd feel like running wasn't so hard on my body. The weight on my upper body makes me feel kind of stiff and clunky while I run. In high school I used to run a little easier before I gained all that weight. I mean I gained it when I was a kid but I never really lost any weight. By second grade I was having a hard time fitting into the uniforms I had to wear for school and had to have them altered. Its things like that that make me tired of the weight and upset that I can't function like many other people without the weight. How nice would it be to go into a store and know that at least something in there would fit me? Right now, I'm right in between Lane Bryant and Wet Seal. I'm neither a size 12 jeans from Wet Seal nor a size 14 from Lane Bryant and it really sucks. At least if I was fatter I could fit into the plus sizes. And it would be awesome to just go to the beach whenever I felt like it and not have to worry that my thighs are all flabby as I make my way through the sand.

The other thing I could do to get to 160 is my usual eat-like-a-bird for two or three weeks and then when I get to my goal weight, resume eating a healthy diet and maintain that current weight. That usually is much faster and easier. But I have to maintain that weight for quite a while to be able to lose again later at a sort of fast rate. I think I will do that. This isn't really healthy but I used to eat nothing during the day and then eat all I wanted at dinner. It kinda worked but only to a certain extent. I don't think I'll do that also because I have low energy and I feel too full to get to sleep.

I think I'm just going to try my best to eat small portion sizes. My biggest problem used to be my sweet tooth but I can control that with effort. Now it's portion size that gets me. I feel guilty after going for seconds.

I think I can get to 160 because it seems very close. I would love to weigh 130, ultimately although I'd be happy to get to 140. It's so hard to exercise here though. To get anywhere decent I have to drive 30 minutes and most of the time I don't feel like driving anywhere and after a hard workout, I feel even less like driving. But I want to do it, its not that far away.

Some workouts I could do: walking in sand at beach, walking up the hills at the bike trail, pilates dvd, walking at park for an hour in the evening, walking at the park for an hour in the morning, treadmil at home, other exercise tapes, jumprope, ddr.

If I had a gym membership, I could do stationary bike, take aerobics classes, go swimming, use equipment and weights.

Otherwise I could do the no-car thing which would be pretty hard. In that case I'd have to walk to the store, bike/take the bus to school and other places. And I'd have to carry all my books around which would suck so much. The only thing that sucks about walking here vs. in London is that I don't feel nearly as safe here. If I need to get away from somebody I don't have as many places to run to for help. There I could just run into the nearest store or restaurant or jump on the tube. This would be a radical change to my life but I'm thinking about it. Plus I'd save money in gas.

I'm gonna go take a bath now and think some more.

Baby

I am annoyed with my bf. Two night ago he stayed over at my house because his mom and uncle were sick with something and he didn't want to catch it. So we dragged the matress from my couch into my room (making a huge mess of the whole house by the way) and we both slept in it. The next morning he woke up feeling naseous just like his mom and uncle. Knowing he was sick, he somehow managed to touch almost every blanket I own in my house, and I had to wash them all so that I would not get sick too. Later that day, my mom tells him that she doesn't like that we had the couch-bed in my room and wanted to switch it with an air matress right away. He got really upset about this and impulsively moved the mattress back to the living room and then proceeded to complain about her making him do this, and that he was comfortable where he way, and why couldn't she just wait till later, and how he felt so unwanted and disrespected at my house. I was stuck in the middle. My mom could have waited till he felt better to move the bed because nothing was happening to it at that moment. And boyfriend could have contained his childishness and simply accepted the fact that my mom was allowing him to stay at my house sick at all.

So today is a new day, and we resolved the bed issue. Me and him went to return something at the library and we were talking about how he feels better today but that he refuses to eat anything at all, except drink water and gatorade of course. It's been more than 24 hours since he threw up. I think it's safe to eat something. But here is the issue I am now annoyed with. He wants me to drive him to class tomorrow because he feels weak because he hasn't eaten and doesn't plan to eat tomorrow. Childishness, I say. I tell him to eat something over IM and he tells me that he wants to "give his tummy one more day." Am I dating a 5 year old? He needs to eat, even if he is sick. Even if its just applesauce or mashed potatoes. I don't even want to push the issue further because doing so will cause a fervent tantrum on his part.

I'm really tired of this attitude he has. He is immature and spoiled and sort of self-centered. It's these things that have me questioning whether I want to continue my relationship with him any further. I am not really looking for a casual relationship, which even seems to be more serious than this.

I was reading my post about Halloween that I posted a few weeks ago. I regret not participating. Next year I'd like to actually decorate my front yard and give out candies to the kids. It would be fun for them. This kinda reminds me of something I've been thinking about lately. Apparently I have a problem with my social life and I didn't take a good look at it till I was in high school, but at that time I was lost and clueless so looking at my problem just made me more depressed. BUT. Now I'm smarter LOL. I think I have some degree of Avoidant Personality Disorder. I've read about other people's experiences about it and of course they have a much harder description of life but mine is pretty similar. The few friends that I have, I see maybe once a year and I met them in high school, not really by choice, but by happening to be in the same classes. There are a few I met studying abroad but those are even more distant than my high school friends. I would really love to have one or two good friends that I spent time with more often, maybe on a weekly basis. Girl friends, because my boyfriend is obviously my best friend but a boyfriend is not the same as a girl friend. Shopping for clothes and talking about your PMS is a totally different experience with the two. Plus, its not just those things. It'd be nice to have different people in my life with different personalities. What if I want to go out to a sushi bar? Or go dancing? Or ice skating? Or to the beach? Or some more people to help me practice a speech for a class? My boyfriend will be there in all these situations but maybe not with the same amount of enthusiasm or enjoyment. Plus he's got some sort of ADD, not literally, but he just gets bored quick. It'd be nice to hang out with someone who will take time with me sometimes. What about xmas shopping? and Birthdays? Having other peoples ideas and company for looking for gifts would be nice. And someone else to talk to when I get in a fight with my bf. Just a bf alone is not enough for me. I need more friends. Good friends.

So back to the Halloween thing. The reason I said these things is because I have been thinking about why it is that I don't have a very good social life. 1) I need to suck it up and be more outgoing, even if I'm uncomfortable with it at first. How will I ever meet new people or get more social experience if I hide all the time? 2) I need to learn how to be friendly and talkative and funny and how to relate well to others. Right now, it's not like I have zero social skill but they definately need some work. I'm sure I'll make an ass of myself but most people will not care. And eventually I won't make an ass of myself anymore. 3) I can be more outgoing by starting out with simple things like Holidays. Next week I'm having a little Thanksgiving get together with my family and bf's family. It's not a big deal but even little things like that will help me, plus being with other people in general just makes me feel happier. Other things I can look forward to are Christmas, my 21st birthday, New Years, getting a pass to Disney, and taking Pilates. Pilates should be different than a normal class because its more open I guess. Sitting in a desk listening to a prof doesn't really constitute expanding your social horizons but going to a Pilates class almost forces you to step outside your normal box and do things things that might even be embarrasing. Hopefully I'm just not in a class with 20 people who've been dancers since they were 5 and no one else. I hope there are regular people in there too.

I rarely blog to congratulate myself about something but right now I feel is a good time to do it. A few weeks ago I had this essay to do and I was having the hardest time trying to put it together and make it make sense. I worked hard and long on it and when I turned it in I remember thinking I'd be happy with B- on it. I didn't feel that I argued my point effectively but apparently I wasn't looking at my paper objectively. I got it back today and got an A plus some really nice comments. So, Congrats to me! *Grin*

Let's try this again

I'm so mentally blocked today. I hate when I have days like this, I'm not productive, I'm disorganized, I fight with people, I don't sleep well. Anyway, a while back I tried to eat veggies for three days straight and I mean it worked but it's too hard because I get hungry for more substantial food and then I buy veggies that go to waste after I'm done with the three days. My new technique is this: give myself a weekly goal or challenge or something to do that is positive for myself.

This weeks goal: Follow my pilates tape every morning for a week. Next week I might add walking again like I used to, or cutting out the sweets again.

But this week I must concentrate on that. Because I can't concentrate on too many goals at once or else I'll implode and go back to my bad habbits.

It's on

So, my dad always comes first, right Garrett? I see how it is. Let's see how you like it.