I'll try to get to bed by 3. In the meantime: stretches, abs, sodoku, bourne identity, crossword puzzle, teeth, and face.

Who am I?

I love to celebrate every season.

I love gardens, plants, greenery, nature, etc.

I love seeing different cultures and ethnicities.

I prefer driving my own car somewhere but it's important to me to have good public transportation available.

Fresh, clean air makes me feel energized and healthy.

I would be very content to live in my own small apartment by myself so long as it is built well, plumbing, electrical, gas, etc is done correctly and does not threaten to break on me.

I have a boyfriend but I want a deeper connection. I want to express and recieve more love.

I love going to other countries and learning to adapt.

I really want to move out but I also really want to continue going to school. It's a dilemma.

I want to be an A student again like I used to be.

Exercise is important to me. I feel lost when I don't stick to an exercise regimen.

I have a vague desire to publish a book one day.

Fat

I am so fed up with myself. Why can I not lose any weight? Because I give in. Because I have never had any will power when I am faced with food. Right now there is almost no more food left and its time to go to the store. I will buy chicken breast and some vegetables. I will attempt to eat a high protein diet and complex carbs so that my body has no options left for storing fat. I am so annoyed with my body. I run for a week straight and I GAIN 5 pounds! I try dieting and when nighttime rolls around I chow down. I need high protein, complex carbs, and exercise. Mondays will be running/walking at the park in the morning for 2 hours. Tuesdays tae bo in my living room for an hour. Wednesdays will be uphill treadmil for an hour. Thursdays will be more tae bo for an hour and Fridays will be hiking at aliso for 2 hours. Saturdays and Sundays may end up being bike to the beach days. I don't mind exercise. It's my diet that kills me. In the evenings: Monday nights will be pilates/abs, Tuesdays will be arms, Wednesdays will be legs and thighs (squats, lunges, etc), Thursdays will be pilates/abs again, Fridays will be arms. This is very strict but I want to get this fucking weight off. It's a source of ruin.

Attempt # 1

What could I do today to focus on my appearance, especially my waist?

I could do treadmil. I could walk at the park. I could do another facial. I could use Nivea on my abs and arms.

I dunno this is hard right now. I think I first need to address that I feel crappy today. I didn't sleep well because this bed dips in the middle, especially when Garrett is here. I haven't had any coffee yet. I haven't showered yet. All the things that make me feel bad are: feeling tired, not being clean, being stinky, not being shaved, my nails are dirty, my house is not clean, my neck is stiff, my feet are cold, my mom is talking on and on!

I think I need to get showered and get out of my house. It's so damn noisy with Garrett and my dad in the next room. If I went out what would I be looking for? See, that's going to be a problem. When I go out without a purpose, I wander around stores with a blank expression on my face and people look at me strange. My face get blank cuz I'm basicaly bored, and I'm not doing what I want. I do that tho, because of times like this when my house is annoying to me. I just have to wait till at night. It's sunday night and I'm pretty sure my dad works tomorrow so he wont be up too late listening to leo. Ugh, I hate leo.

Anyhow, I need to get some caffeine in me. That is the first problem I can address. After that I can go shower and do general clean up: making beds, throwing out trash, putting clothes away, load dish washer, etc. Then maybe later I will go out to buy cosmo and look for some bowls.

Stuck and Lost

I have big dreams for myself but I have been unable to make any progress in finding focus and direction in my life. I see myself being research scientist, a programmer, an engineer, a nuerologist, a genetics specialist, a mathematician, an environmentalist, a doctor, a biotechnology inventor. Problem is, I cannot do all of those things. And I am not sure which I would most like to do with my life, seeing as I only have one life. I fail to have the confidence to keep me moving forward whenever I start something. I am not confident because I am a woman, because I am lazy, because I am ugly, because I am not disciplined, because I have trouble being social. Before I can gain direction, I need to gain confidence. So I vow myself to set aside worries about what I will major in for undergrad and graduate studies and instead focus on my appearance and my health this semester. I made a new years resolution to make a nice little waist for myself. That is the biggest problem I've had all my life as far as my appearance goes. It destroys my self-esteem. Whenever I lose some weight or generally feel good-looking I perform better in every other aspect of my life. So the solution is: fix my wasit and I will fix my future.

Today I ate alot of things I should not have. However! I did do ab exercises for about 40 minutes this morning, stretched, did treadmil tonight and used anti-cellulite cream.

I've been thinking about what my new years resolution should be and I came up with one. I want to make a nice little waist for myself. I've never had a nice waist and it's something that I think would really help my self esteem. How do I plan to make that a reality? I need to lose 10 pounds a month. I need to use cellulite cream. I need to do dry brushing. I need to do pilates and cardio. I need to lose a total of 60 pounds for any semblance of muscle to show through. I need to have a diet high in lean proteins and low in simple carbs. I've never really been a huge fan of chicken breast because it can be pretty dry but I need to learn to be good friends with chicken now. It's a good protein staple. I like fish better but I can't eat it as often. And if after all that my skin is looking gnarly still, plastic surgery may be needed to finish it off. Garrett was talking about a picture of us where we were thinner and looking good. He said something about my stomach being flat and me actually having a girly shape to my waist. It makes me feel bad that I am not really sexy for him. I know I would feel special if he put in effort to look good for me. This is something I need to put alot of focus into. I need to make it a priority and I need to put aside any shame or embarrassment. I am wearing a size 15 pants right now and I have to shop in the plus size section and it sucks. At this size there is no way to hide the curves that don't belong there. I need to stick to this. If not for him, then for me. I want to be in a size 13 by the time school starts. Not only does this weight harp on my self esteem it also affects my studies. I feel self conscious in class and then I don't pay as much attention as I could. Before this, I thought my new years resolution should be to get into a bikini by summer. Maybe that can be next years resolution. I don't think that is a realistic goal for me right now. The waist thing though is something I feel more strongly about too.

Daily: cellulite cream, cardio, salads, yogurts, green tea
Every couple days: pilates, chicken, fish, pork chops, carrots

End of January: Size 13
End of February: Size 11
End of March: Size 9
End of April: Size 7
End of May: Size 5
End of June: ? Maybe still size 5 but 3 is welcome

And then, if I go on vacation I'd use a self tanner on my waist beforehand.

How would having a nice waist change my life? I'd be able to find clothes easier and in more places. I'd be confident about myself in school. I wouldn't always be worrying that someone is looking at my bulging fat roll. I'd be able to wear a swimsuit, I'd be able to go without covering myself up with sweaters. That would make summers more comfortable. I would be able to wear skirts and dresses. Shirts would be easier to find. I'd feel proud if I ran into somebody I know from high school. I'd feel sexier which would help my relationship with Garrett. I'd feel less self conscious running at the park or in public places in general. I'd feel great in Uruguay. I could throw away all my fat clothes. I could wrap a normal size towel around me. I'd feel more confident about finding a job. I'd have more energy. My social life would probably improve due to higher self esteem. I could use it in my personal statement. I could feel less like the stalky steriotype of women in computer science. I'd feel better about traveling out of the country. I want to make all the people who were mean to me jealous.

Plan for getting over a shitty day:

Get up and spend the day working on yourself. Take a full shower, shave everything well, put on self tanner, paint your fingernails and toenails, do some good exercise, do a facial, put on makeup, do your hair, dress up. Skip most of your food, and all sweets. Drink lots of water too. Then after everyone has gone to sleep have a few glasses of wine on an empty stomach. Get dressed in soft comfy clothes and lounge on the couch. When you are good and happy, dig into your favorite savory dessert and a funny comedy. Then jump into a cozy shower with a new great-smelling soap. When you are done slather on a fragrant moisturizer and spritz urself with perfume. Get into a prewarmed bed with the window open and the fan on. Music is a plus. Drift into a blissful sleep. Ahhhh.

I am Speaking Up

It's not fair of Garrett to act the way he does with me. I hate how we fight. I don't want to do it anymore and I have control over that. I can choose not to fight anymore with him. I wasn't wrong.