Our relationship has been sorta cold lately. I've been upset and distant and angry. Earlier I was thinking that maybe it started with the Olympics, not that that was the major cause of this though. I don't really like watching all the Olympic games, just the figure skating. I remember getting upset that I watch a bunch of shows that he wants to watch and we dont fastforward through them. I try to be patient at least. But when we tried to watch the Olympic skaters (they didn't seem to impress me much this year for some reason), we would fastforward alot through them. It kinda bugged me cuz usually I'm patient with him but he didn't wanna be patient with what I wanted to watch. So finally I just said fuck it and quit watching them altogether. If I'm not gonna be able to enjoy it, then why even bother? That was the beginning of me thinking he was an impatient, "control freak". All take but no give. I felt that we were losing balance and not being fair with each other. So then we moved on to another drama - his website. He's been working on it for a long time now but recently he's been working on a new design which has been giving him a major pain in the ass. He'd ask me for help sometimes but I couldn't manage to be helpful or please him in any way. So I just gave up sometimes. And then he'd spend days on end staring at code and getting upset cuz either it wouldn't work or he'd lose the code altogether and have to rewrite it again. So he'd bitch and moan and vent vocally as well as physically (the typical "I'm frustrated and I'm slamming doors, and throwing my books and my backpack around and stomping up the stairs cuz I need to express my anger at my fucking code" expression). His anger would become my anger. And then our anger would grow mutually and lead to us needing to stay away from each other till we'd cool down. Well the site is not done yet but the drama is pretty much down to minimum now. After that, yet another drama came up - the statistics test. We are taking the class together and sharing the textbook. Bad idea, people. He doesn't really understand the book much so I read it and then explain it to him. When quizzes and tests come around he gets really frustrated if he doesnt understand what he's doing. I tell him that he needs to try some of the homework problems alone without my help if he wants to learn. He hasn't done that though, because his family bitches at him to clean the house and stuff. So I get angry that he blames me for not doing well (I'm not a good tutor apparently), and he gets angry because I'm angry. So again we need to be apart and cool down. Isn't it curious that we cant seem to conquer a problem together? that we need to separate to resolve a problem? Anyways. After the test yet another drama comes up. This time his family asks him to rearrange some things in his uncles room... but after that they get angry becuase the "job is not finished." So he comes stomping down the stairs with the most irritated expression on his face. What does he take if frustration out on again? My backpack which on the chair he needs to sit on to put his shoes on. He grabs is and sorta throws it to the ground. Then we go out to the car and he slams my doors and the glove box. I mean, I understand that you get angry and must vent, but find something that wont get broken or that doesn't cost money to replace to take it out on! argh.
I think I've been distant cuz of the anger that is just surging through both of us. I don't like the way he deals with his anger and I dont think the way I deal with it is the best way either. In fact I dont even know how I deal with it.
When I get mad I think I internalize it. But I know garrett can see im upset even though i internalize it... something must be going on on the outside too. If i get upset many times eventually the anger builds and I grow pretty cold and i wanna be left alone and i wanna just ditch whatever the cause of the anger is.
He expresses it way to outwardly and I according to him "hide in a corner." I get pissed that he's vocalizing and complainging and actually physically taking it out on something. He gets pissed that he's "in a room with an angry bear." Wouldn't it be worse if i were yelling and screaming though?
