I didn't say anything before because the thought hadn't yet fully formed. I'm not even sure what this is supposed to mean, but I feel like I'm in between something. Maybe I'm in between the idea of breaking up and the idea of fixing it and moving on. My doubts are about you, about whether you actually want me as much as you think. We don't do anything but watch tv and eat together. It's like we are old and married and if this is what its going to be like to be old and married, I don't want that.

I actually had a pretty fabulous time hanging out alone this weekend. I forgot what freedom was like. I got some good clothes, I ate out and just enjoyed the atmosphere without worrying that you wanted to leave already.

I have one more week of school. And tomorrow I have a lab due which I have not even started yet. I am not sure if I should do it tonight or sleep and do it in the morning.

To make myself feel better:

I fucking hate you. I hate you so much that sometimes I wanna kill myself to escape you. I think that says it all.

You finally went home. I don't know how much more I can take of you. Sometimes I seriously find myself wanting to break up with you. I can't stand you coming over before I wake up and leaving after I go to bed. I can't stand that the only time you spend with me, you spend trying to annoy me. I can't stand that you are so selfish. I think it's time. I can't take it anymore. I find myself drinking you out of my mind, drinking away the anger.

This isn't working. You constantly say that you are bored and you blame it on finals but I know the truth - you are bored with me. Don't try to lie. You don't want me and I can tell. The sucky part about this is that you and my dad are such great friends that if we broke up, you'd still be over at my house all fucking day long. I so tired of it. I'm tired of your shit. I tired of you acting like a kid. I'm tired of doing all the work. I want out.

At night when you start staying past midnight, I get so angry. I start thinking of the quickest way I could move out so I can get away from what has formed in my house. I don't want to be a part of it.

It sucks that you are going to london with me in a way. I didn't even want to go to london in the first place, that was your idea. I can't even get away from you by going there. Its sad that I want to get away from you. Why the hell don't you start acting more like a boyfriend than just a boy?

I think I'll have to stay up all night tonight because I can't take another day of you being here. That way I can sleep through the hell. I think in my mind I've already become kind of cold, the way I've gotten with my mom. The relationship is there but the feeling is almost gone. It hurts so I block it out. In my mind I'm shouting "I HATE YOU." I hate that I feel that way. I'm so angry. SO FUCKING ANGRY.

You should stay home. You are killing us.

Oy

Somehow I'm not really happy and I don't know why that is. You are kind of selfish and rude but it's like you don't even realize you are that way. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell you these things but then I remember that your immature side might come out and get angry at me for telling you the truth.

You know what... a few mintues ago, I was deleting the old emails from my ex and I finally figured out why we broke up. A year and a half later. Anyways the point is that he was never lying to me and that the answer why we broke up was exactly what he said it was. I just never believed him because I was caught up in my feelings. It's really a shame that we lived so far from each other. I deleted everything except two emails... the one when he said yes to me, and the one when he broke up with me. The answer is right there. I never needed all the stuff in between.

In a couple weeks we will have been together for a year. When I look over it we didn't really start out too well, and the whole relationship right from the beginning was sort of forced along. Neither of us wanted to date anybody at the time. Something was telling us "no." But hey even still we hung out every day and spent every part of it together except for at night when it was time to go home. We fought alot but we still couldn't be away from each other. It was and still is like that song "I can't live with or without you."

I'm in such a quandary about this relationship. It's perplexing and its irritating. Why do make me so angry sometimes and yet never want to be away from you at other times? I think you have the male form of PMS. Because right now a little silliness might do us good. You are so... distant, I would say, but that is not it. You are not distant. You seem more bored than distant. That comment you made earlier in Banana Republic... "there's nothing here for you." It's a simple comment that could be let go and totally forgotten in some cases. But in the context of our relationship it seems like what you were really saying is "there is nothing left here for you."

I could be crazy and overthinking things like I sometimes do but I dunno. I really don't know.

Down the Drain

6.30 pm - I finish getting ready to leave because Garrett said "we'll get to my house by seven."

6.40 pm - Garrett informs me that he no longer wants to watch AFV and that we will leave around seven to get some dinner.

6.50 pm - I get on the treadil to walk while I wait because I already know we aren't going leave anytime before eight pm.

7:35 pm - I am tired of walking and waiting so I go and lay down for a little while. Garrett is still geeking around and some time later comes in to ask what I want for dinner. When I say I'm not hungry he continues to ask what I feel like for dinner.

8:03 pm - One hour and 3 minutes later, I am still waiting.

Useful tidbit

Dear Significant Other,

Something new I learned about you the other day: if you don't get what you want from somebody you like to hurt their feelings to make yourself feel better.

Hmm...

Flux

So you will stop doing whatever it is that you are "getting done" to go to target but you wont stop doing it to go for a walk. I sense an ulterior motive here. I am so going to leave your ass in the dust when we go to London.

Lately I'm getting so annoyed with the controlling behavior. And the self-centeredness. You expect so much that people will give you stuff for your birthday and for christmas that even if you do get something you don't appreciate it... because I suppose it was not enough. You will "take me to target" eagerly as if you are really doing it for me, but I know you want to go so you can look at your electronic crap. And when I go my own way to look at clothes and other "girly things" you will get all antsy to leave. And you want me to bring you food all the time, and for me to pay for it. And you want me to drive you to class. Tell me, how many times have to driven yourself to class this semester? And don't blame it on your gas milage because school is not that far away and you have the same tank size as me. It isn't really all that much more expensive for you.

The longer we are together, I know the possibility of marriage approaches ever nearer. And the more I dread the fact that I don't think I could stand a lifetime of your laziness. I am solitary and you know that. I cannot keep working for two people, studying for two people, driving and paying for two people. I am one person, not two. And say for some reason I am stupid and I accept your proposal; there would for sure be a signing of prenuptials because, sadly, I don't trust that you wont try and marry me for my money. And if you refused to sign, I would not marry you. Sad but surely true.

I don't know if I have faith that you could change. How much have I changed for you? The "balanced reciprocity" thing is not working out between us, and by definition we shouldn't even be going by balanced reciprocity but by generalized reciprocity.

You have people who keep you alive but how would you survive if you didn't have them? You can't be lazy and you need to learn how to be alone. I am doing more than my share of the work. I need you to be a man.