My boyfriend wrote me an apology. I can't really reply right now becuase I'm not sure yet how I feel. I need to let my thoughts settle first.

To "sorry, my stress level exploded": I know. I knew when you were saying some mean things to me that they were coming out of your stressful day. Under better circumstances you probably would have had more patience.

To "I'll wait till the last minute to cancel": Just because we got in a fight, doesn't mean we have to ruin the rest of the month.. It's one fight. We will get over it. And hopefully learn from it.

That's pretty much all I can muster right now. I don't know what else to say. I'm just kinda numb. So right now is probably not a good time to get into it.

I'm so angry right now. I want to fight somebody. Beat them down. See blood trickle out of the more beaten spots. See them tremble in pain. I'm so angry I can't even descibe it. Ugh. And I feel sick to my stomach. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I want to cuss all the way down this page. And spit on those who I am angry with.

And yet I'm exhausted. Tired of it. What a waste.

My last post pretty much sums up my feelings right now. My thought processes all seem to lead to "I can't wait until I'm dead." This is the incident: I have a flat tire on a prius so my tires are just a tad more of a pain in the ass to get than others. Anyway, we have my boyfriend who says "what are you going to do when you move out?" and my dad who says "well you better start learning now." And we have me, the daughter of an expert mechanic, who knows shit about cars. The condescending tone is more pressure than they must think. And I bet it makes them feel good to say those things to me too. To them I say "FUCK OFF" because, hey, that makes ME feel better. So now that I am supposedly feeling better let me have a better answer to those things.

To my dad, who says, "you better start learning," I gotta say that you shoulda started teaching me sooner. Thanks for preparing me for life. See if I ever ask for you help again. I know I can't get it from you so I guess I might as well just cut you off. And by the way, don't bother asking for my help when you are stranded somewhere. You never helped me or my mom out in situations where we were stuck away from home. Now you will learn what the consequences of your non-actions are.

To my boyfriend, being a few years older does not give you the right, as my boyfriend, to have the same tone with me that my dad does. You continue to act that way and see how long we last. What about you? I did your mold research for you because you didn't want to do it. How many times have I helped you out with your house, been there when there was an emergency? And did I get all I'm-better-than-you on your ass? NO. That's right. So take a hint.

So, as you can see I'm feeling my age. I hate my age. I'm young and I feel young, and not in a good way. I feel incompetent. I feel naive. I feel ignorant. I'm not stupid but to those who are older and wiser, it doesn't matter how smart you are if you are ignorant. They will still beat down on you because they can and because it's a source of pleasure for them. Oddly enough, it's very immature of the older and wiser to act that way.

But it doesn't matter. I can be 21 or I can be 61. There will always be someone older and wiser who will always beat down on me. There is no outgrowing it, or escaping. So, it leads to me just wanting to be dead so that, in that state, there can be nobody to say condescending things to me. It will be nice and silent.

Fuck you all. Live in your perverted world and I will die in mine. Fuck you all.