Headache

Argh I feel like shit today. I felt better last night when I only had like 4 hours of sleep. I slept way too much last night, had wierd dreams, and managed to twist my wrist and thumb, and put my arm to sleep. And the stuffyish nose doesn't help much either.

Mom's home today. She's talking to some friends of her and giving my dads cell number to them. She better not give my number to them.

Note to Self

Hey Me, the next time you come to this blog to complain and whine and cry and burst all your trouble out... remember one VERY important thing.

You are more paranoid than you realize.

It's only 5 am. What am I going to do for the next two hours? I've been doing my homework, trying to distract myself from my wandery mind.

Earlier tonight I was thinking of how much I need to stop. Just stop. And take a few days to recuperate. I can't do it this weekend because I have a midterm, and I'll be busy the first week of November... but next weekend I am free. Well, as free as I can be at this point. It will be Halloween weekend but what difference would that make? Nobody seems to care about it anymore anyway.

If he wouldn't mind, maybe we could go down to San Diego for two days or something. Not that it really matters where we go. Money is an issue right now so that doesn't help. But hey, I'm almost willing to pay if it would help my mind and the situation all around.

The past few weeks have been getting progressively worse. I'm not sleeping well AT ALL. Thank god nothing wierd has happened yet, cuz that's just scary. Like sitting up in bed at night, in the dark, talking to people who you consciously realize are not actually there - it's your tired mind playing tricks on you, trying to force you to stop working so hard. It's a reaction to stress.

You know what, not even gonna try that one.

I'm Okay

That was kinda therapeutic. I just wrote down a bunch of stuff that was bothering me and when I took a second look at it, I realized none of it was really that bad or that important. So I deleted it.

Everything is fine. I'm just upset because A) I need to rest, B) I read a long essay about suicide today (You English teachers out there, I totally oppose the teaching of that essay), and C) you didn't say ly to me tonight. Or last night. But everything is fine.

Need to step out of my life

Oyyyy what a freaking long ass day it has been. And there are too many thoughts swirling around in my mind for me to sleep right now. This better not be another depression. I'd be so angry if it was. I guess I'm gonna have to go for a walk tomorrow by myself since SOMEONE doesn't wanna go anymore. TIRED TIRED TIRED. WHEN AM I GOING TO BREAK? SO IT CAN JUST BE OVER WITH ALREADY?!

Here we go again. And in October, no less.

I'm so tired today. My body hurts, my mind is going .0002 miles per hour, my eyes are dry and all I wanna do is just sleep. Of course it really doesn't make it better that all I ate today was sugar. I had one cup of coffee this morning, and it wasn't even a real or full cup of coffee. So, I'm lacking sleep, nutrition and caffeine. No wonder. Well, it's too late in the day for a nap so I'll just have to do what I can to stay awake and finish the homework that is due tonight at 11 pm.

Teetering

I will only put up with this bullshit for so long. Is it that I don't love you enough to deal with these things? No, but this is just silly. You overreacted over a TWISTED WRIST! Hopefully you know that you have hurt me too and I realize it was accidental. What you are doing now though, that is not accidental. And the longer you do it, the less compassion I will have for you and the more likely it will be that I will leave. I'm willing to work WITH you, but I will not beg for your forgiveness. It is your choice to accept the apology I already gave you or not.

I only have so much patience, because after a certain point, it's not the patience that counts but the realization that I am just being used. After all I do to help you, you still don't seem to see that I genuinely care. That doesn't make me proud, trust me. You have brought out the cold in me. Once you do that, it's pretty much there for good - so think about what you do or else consequences will follow. Your choice.

pushing me... i will push back if you dont stop it

For a second there I almost told you to give me my fucking stuff back if you were not gonna talk to me again.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. ANGER BEYOND BE-FUCKING-LIEF.

And Fuck You some more.

Sigh

We are not supposed to be fighting much anymore. That was the point of this damn blog. But you know what? Ever since he found out about Technorati, and I gave him a piece of what was written in here, I now have it in my mind that he probably sees what I write in here. He's not supposed to... not because I don't want to share these things with him, but because they are not always things I mean to say. It is ONLY a place for me to "scream into the pillow." Have you noticed I haven't written angry things about him in the past few days? Because I know it's possible that this is no longer a "personal space." But I need that. I NEED TO FUCKING SCREAM! THIS IS MY OWN PILLOW, LEAVE IT ALONE!

With that in mind, I hate fighting with him. And I can't really think of anything else to say. Today was over 20 minutes ago.

At least I tried to fucking talk to you. You have a bad tantrum. You didn't stop so I didn't stop. I question you now. Because you are not supposed to be reading this, I am going to say it:

FUCK YOU. Grow Up.

I apologized and gave you my side of it. Your silent treatment is not going to fix the fact that our communication still sucks. I wasn't pissed at you before, but congratulations, I AM NOW.

Fucked Up Day # 3

Mom is using all the clean towels to clean up the dog pee again. She let the dog on to the carpet, by the way.

I don't want to be home because of her, and my boyfriend and I are not speaking for some reason. I am having a hard time concentrating on my school work in either place. I could go sit at a coffee shop but I will have to pay for internet access there.

I wanted Wednesday and Thursday to be over because of an essay. Well I would like to add today as a third day, to that list. The semester is only half way done and I am feeling like I'm about to reach a breaking point. I sort of cried today at his house when I went to sit alone in another room. So frustrated.

What's also frustrating is that he is giving me the silent treatment. Longish story short: We were playing sort of rough, and I didn't realize I hurt him. He hid my sandal somewhere and I insisted he tell me where he put it. After that we stopped talking and I left, pissed that the situation had grown so ridiculous.

Oh well. What to do.

Uh...

Are we in a fight? I don't know what's going on.

Headache Again

I have a headache again. What I think the possible causes are:

- Sleep out of wack last night
- No usual cup of coffee yesterday
- Not enough water intake

Stress might have made it on that list but I've been under stress for a while and I don't think it's increased or decreased lately.

It's been 30 minutes since I took a Maxalt and had one cup of coffee. I'm on my second cup and going to wait another 30 minutes. If it's not gone, I will take a second Maxalt and hope to God that, that one will take it away. Sometimes I can get rid of my headaches with one Maxalt and one cup of coffee, and sometimes I can do everything I know of to relieve a headache and it will still persist.

I don't know if hormones have anything to do with it. I'm in the middle of my first week after my period so I don't think any major fluctuations are happening. I almost always get a headache around the first few days of my period. It's a given that I'm gonna feel like shit on those days and I just have to plan my schedule accordingly.

(Well microsoft keeping bugging the shit out of me to restart my machine. I'll write more later).

Morning Thought Process

The reason I said "FUCKING HELL" in the last post was because I had already written a post and accidentally lost it all. I wasn't about to rewrite the entire thing so I just posted, in two words, how I was feeling.

Yesterday was not such a good day, and it sort of carried over into the night. I had a dream about cheating on my boyfriend with a girl. What the fuck? I don't swing that way and I have never cheated on a boyfriend. And besides the cheating, the dream also had some weird thing about me living with a group of people in a dark basement... Yeah, okay, whatever.

Right now I'm about to have some coffee. I feel like my mental functions are going soo sloooow. I took 40 minutes to get out of bed. I've now taken 35 minutes to get some coffee made and start writing this. This is probably all because I have one annoying thought in my head: My Essay.

I already wrote and submitted the draft, which was a total piece of shit and the teacher lied and said it "looked good." Yeah, sure it did. (It's a draft for a reason, I need some constructive criticism to help me make it better). I'd try and be a perfectionist but since this is last weeks essay, and last week was all about half-assing it, I will only try and make it decent enough for a passing grade. I want it out of my life for good, once I hit the "submit" button.

This essay kept waking me up every hour. I woke up at 10 a.m. thinking "heck, I could get up now and finish that thing and have the rest of the day worry-free." I woke up at 11 a.m. thinking the same thing. At noon, I laid in bed thinking "eh... I still have 12 more hours till the official deadline..." And FINALLY, at 1 p.m. my sweety called me and I was utterly surprised to hear it was ONE IN THE AFTERNOON. I went to bed somewhat early last night but I guess that wasn't good enough.

My slowness should be slowly diminishing. Half of my coffee is gone. My breakfast could not be found in the cupboards though so I think I'll go raid the kitchen again soon.

I guess I'll end this here. I've got to finish the essay along with other homework I planned out in OneNote.

*Holds up coffee for a toast - "May this day be less shitty than yesterday!"*

Damn Day

FUCKING HELL.

Great...

My uncle's got kidney failure. Mom's upset. I'm not good at comforting people. Argh.

This Morning

7:20 a.m. - I wake up to the sound of the front door closing (Dad leaving for work). "OH SHIT."
8:05 a.m. - The teacher is also late to class and I have rushed across campus and up the stairs in vain.
9:15 a.m. - I finish the test I was oh shitting about at 7:20 a.m..
9:20 a.m. - I am sitting on a bench sipping some real bitter espresso, trying to let the adrenaline in my blood thin out.
11:00 a.m. - My second class is over and I talk for a few minutes with my boyfriend outside his class.
5:00 p.m. - "Oh my God, did I really sleep that long?" I'm waking up from a nap that might as well have been last night's sleep.
12:53 a.m. - I've been vegging on my couch all evening, watching TV, writing a little bit, drinking many cups of coffee, hot chocolate, tea, juice and whatever else was easily at reach and "comforting."

I hope that after this point of being tired of school, time will begin to move a little faster. I hate the way school changes me. It makes me a totally different person. Every fall I go through this and in February of almost every spring, I get into this sort-of depression. I wonder how spring will be this year with Garrett. Maybe it won't be so bad this year.

Hello

I bet you've found me on Technorati, babe. Congrats.

Sorry

We've had a great summer. It almost seems as if I'm taking what we have for granted and I totally resent myself for it. Thank God this is only a place for me to rant, and I don't actually say these things to my boyfriend (besides the sex thing, I did tell him that). Because if I did, man, we'd have broken up LONG AGO. Or would we have? He's so patient that it made me think twice about what I just said. Since I've started writing in this blog, we fight considerably less. Only once, actually, and that was one day about two week ago, over I don't even remember what. Probably something about school-related stress (another thing for which I'm going to have to find a steam outlet).

Ex

Old emails always screw with my emotions, especially the ones exchanged between me and my ex. Sad though, because I never really met him - it was an online thing... 2 years (bad, I know).

But still it makes me sad that even online, I think I had more of a connection with my ex than I have with my current boyfriend. And I know that's horrible of me to say. But I think my boyfriend is more trustworthy.

What is missing? I love him, I do. But... where is the thing that makes life worth living? Where's the feeling? Where are the dreams? The heart? The intermingling poetry between two beings? We are like two machines working side by side. Why not as one?

Maybe he's not feeling the same as me about this. Or is he? Or maybe it's too soon for me to be wondering about these things. It's only been 4 months. Last time it took more than 6 to get to that point.

My god, has it really been only 4 months. It feels like an eternity has passed.

And it's been one year since the breakup with my ex. That was painful. I think I'm fully over him, or almost.

Why is that when I try to write about my ex, my writing becomes so unreadable? It's horrible.

I remember my first boyfriend. It's been 4 years. I don't even feel anything when I think of him now. I'm numb to it.

Fall

I wan't to enjoy this time of year, despite the stress of my classes. I want to bake cake and light candles around the house at dusk, their cozy flames flickering shyly from behind glass candle holders. I want to watch old movies on Friday nights, munching popcorn in the dark and snuggling under an old comforter. I want to walk around in the cool air and watch colored leaves fall from trees. I want celebrate halloween, reminisce kidhood. I want to decorate for Christmas, even if I'm not gonna be here. I want to wear fuzzy, warm clothes and sip hot drinks outdoors. I want to actually use my half-dead, semi-virgin umbrella. I want to finish my homework and still have time and energy left for the rest of the day. And I think most of all, I want to share these simple pleasures of life with someone who also appreciates them.

Flu Shot

I hate the fact that I had to get a flu shot because I am a possible threat to the rest of his family. Argh. It almost makes me imagine the peace I'd be in had I not been dating anyone right now. Now I remember why I liked being alone. I'm not imposing on anyone else, and they are not imposing on me. Say we are still together a few years from now, perhaps in a place of our own - I will not be getting the flu shot then. I don't care if I have to avoid his family for 6 months.

And today, I got NOTHING DONE. I'm getting kind of behind in school because I seriously cannot study with him. We talk, his house is noisy and uncomfortable, I feel like I can't touch anything because his mom's so paranoid about her table and "good couches" (when the house is in total chaos).

I told him I'd go to school with him tomorrow and study while he was in class. But that means I'll probably end up hanging at his house for the rest of the day, getting nothing done. Again. I think when he calls, I'll tell him I'm staying home. Yeah, my mom bothers the shit out of me, but my productivity is slightly higher with her than it is with him.

I love him but GEEZ am I annoyed right now. I'm PMS'ing, I've got a sore arm from that fucking flu shot that HIS MOTHER insists on because of HIS UNCLE who insists on living with his sister(and I feel like I have no choice because I don't have any plans on leaving him any time soon). I got no homework done in the passed two days because I've been at his house. We have not walked for almost a week. It's just like, I can't live like this for the rest of my life, if that is where this is going. I cannot imagine myself feeling like this until I die. For God's sake, I need some say in my own fucking life. I realize I am essentially a part of his family circle for the time being and my being sick, or making him walk with me everyday even if he's got work to do, my accidental non-care of his mothers furniture, will have an effect on them.

About his homework. We don't walk much now because we both have alot of homework. He's taking one class and I'm taking 4. I still find the time to walk and he can't. ARGHHHHH. PLUS, I'm pretty much his math tutor this semester. The more I read this entry the more I'm starting to see the big picture.

"We are such a great couple because neither of us is selfish," says he. Well, I'm not. But I feel like I'm paying more of a price than he is. I mean, I got a lot more homework. I pick up his dinner kinda often on the way to his house, I take him home from school, I help with his math, I even got a fucking shot I don't think I'll need for the next 30 years so his family would not get sick because of me, I spend a heck of a lot of time at his house (in his words, I keep his mother away from him), I work my study around him, I don't complain about our sex life either. I feel very imposed on. Very.

I'm asking for some more walking, some more quiet time so I can fucking concentrate on my own damn work, some more self-discipline on his part, and some concern about MY opinion.

Freakin' Headache

Three Maxalt MLT's, two cups of coffee, ice, and a bad night of sleep later, and I'm feeling just slightly better. Hopefully the painkiller and caffeine will kick in sometime in the next half hour. I totally hate PMS migraines!

Subject Forbidden

I never thought I'd be blogging about my sex life. But it's always sucked and I've never really opened up to anyone about it. Maybe it's time to explore myself... lol.

My sex history is this. I lost my virginity at 15 (wow, that sounds horrible now that I look at that number) and have had two partners since. The first partner was a total asshole and my current one is very respectful, so much so that we really don't get very far sexually.

The problem is that I've never really had a good orgasm with a guy (solo is another story) and that is simply because I don't allow myself to. It's an irrational fear of mine that I really want to get over because I'm sick of sex not being fun. I don't let myself delve into the moment and feel the freedom to move as I want, to play with my partner as I want, to experiment and risk "not doing it right."

I know I'm certainly capable of having a good orgasm. One night, not long ago, I was feeling very free and oddly happy (for me), and I got very close to orgasming, in fact it was the first half of an orgasm, but when he finished first I did not complain. I simply put my clothes back on and we continued life as usual.

To make matters complicated I have to say that I feel there is something missing with my current partner. I think its the emotional aspect of sex. I mean, the fact that I don't contribute much is the most unhelpful thing, and he does try but its like he's lazy. For example he'll only do like 20 seconds of oral (to get me wetter so he can go in easier)... I mean c'mon I can't get off in 20 seconds.

I want to say we are unbalanced. We've had sex many times and every time he got off. He owes me that many orgasms now, it feels like. But then I don't say anything either. Because I'm scared.

The reason I'm writing this is to find some courage to be more open with my partner. Mostly I want more passion in the relationship, not only during sex, but all the time. We are good friends and we love each other but the fire is not burning very bright. I don't feel like I can express emotions to him because he doesn't express them much either. I wonder, is there something we can do to improve this situation or it is that we are just not all that compatable?

First step, talk to him about it (duh). What am I going to say - maybe, the most obvious, acknowledge that I have a fear. He probably knows that LOL. I mean, you'd think I'd be more comfortable with him after four months together.