Argh I don't know what to write today. I'm just sitting in my living room with a fan aimed at me. It's so hot. My bf wants to go to the movies tomorrow but there are some catches for me. I'm not really interested in the movie he wants to see and I don't want to go in the morning (its cheaper). The perk is that he will pay for my ticket since I'm in a cheapo mood. Eh. Oh well, we'll see.

Friday we finally leave to study abroad. I'm so tired that I'm hardly looking forward to it right now. I need a day to stay home. We have been running around like mad and i'm just so sick of it. He can't seem to sit still for one minute and just be. I also feel like I'm gaining weight and I'm not totally sure why. I think it's partly becuase when I diet his choices tend to influence mine in a bad way. And I'm stressed about packing and being ready so that's not helping. I'm up to 180 now. I was at 175 the other day. Argh. I get upset when I start gaining weight, which seems to make me gain even more weight. Ugh.

I started the day well with rice and spinach and a slimfast but then he had pizza and I had two slices of his pizza. And then I got home and my mom made meat loaf and I had a peice of that. And some toast with butter and a bite of mashed potatos. I managed to finish it all off a few hours ago with a large portion of cheesecake. Man do I feel like I fucked up today. Good thing I'm not running to the cupboard to make myself feel better. At least. I moved furniture and hauled shit up and down stairs today for about an hour. And a while ago I did ddr for an hour.

In the past fews days I've done alot of walking. But not good walking. Just slow, like walking through stores, and parking lots. And my feet hurt and I haven't burned calories. Suck that my bf thinks that kind of walking is exercise. I mean it burns calories but the amount you burn isn't worth the pain in my feet. For this pain I'd rather run a mile every day and have blister and being actually losing weight. Not gaining. Sucks so much freaking ass.

It will be interesting to see if I still lose weight in another country with him around me. I have a feeling he's gonna go for the pizza and the fish and chips and anything thats made with chicken or deep fried. Argh. I have a hard time as it isss...

Slimfast

Fruit

Slimfast

Oatmeal

Fruit

Salad/Soup for dinner.

I was supposed to lose weight for this trip and I ended up gaining weight. Doesn't that always fucking happen?! I can't really blame him much although he does seem to be really insensitive to my need to diet. And when I tell him what I plan to have for dinner which probably doesn't include any type of meat, he insists "well, you gotta eat some type of meat." I mean wtf. I don't eat meat every day because A I don't like it. B alot of meat isn't good for you. He doesn't eat any veggies or fruits at all by the way. He doesn't exercise. If it weren't for me I don't think he'd ever exercise at all. He's 25 and the way he walks resembles the walk of an old man. And he slouches alot.

He just generally looks unhealthy. It bothers me because if I marry him I don't want to see his health deteriorate in his 40's. Thats just sad. And kind of unfair to me. It's also kind of embarrasing. I know that sounds awful but geez. We are going to London and he's the totally american tourist. Khaki short, brand new white tennis shoes with white socks pulled half way up his calves. And a plain solid colored t-shirt. I'm not asking him to be "cool" but argh just to put a little more thought into his selection of wardrobe and health.

I can see tomorrow going something like this. Out of a deep sleep I hear the phone. It's 8.10 and he's calling me to go to the movies. I barely shower and get out the door, grumbling in a bad mood. I pick him up and he hasn't shower yet either. This was supposed to be a date, like old times. So we get there watch the movie, which ends up being too damn long, and he suggests lunch. I don't wantt to buy lunch and I don't want to eat out becuase I'm cheap and I'm fat. We eat out anyway and I get "arghed" becuase I screwed up two-fold. Blah blah blah, the rest of the day is wasted walking through various stores we alrady walked through yesterday and watching boring tv at his house. I go home at 11 and wonder why the fuck I haven't packed yet. "Because he wasted my day." Argh. SO many little things bug me about him.

1) walking through electronice sections of stores repeatedly.
2) finging every target within 20 miles to find something specific.
3) eating out and having to pay for his meal too when i didn't wanna eat out in the first place.
4) watching 3 episodes of the same show back to back on the dvr.
5) eating dinner in front of the tv because thats what he was taught.
6) when he walks ahead of me at a fast pace and then stops dead to look at a deal.
7) getting upset when I go off to look at my own stuff and leave him to his stuff.
8) doing the same route around target every single time we go there.
9) we go through electronice every time but he never bothers to ask if I wanna look at the clothes.
10) not leaving me in peace when I don't inclue any meat in a meal.
11) cutting me off when we walk around a corner.
12) when we walk through his neighborhood he gets tired after only 10 minutes.
13) he always wants me to help him do stuff like cleaning when he's perfectly capable of doing it himself.
14) he gets mad when I tell him to do his laundry because its laying all over the fucking living room floor blocking the walkway.
15) he leaves trash everywhere.
16) he always asks me to get him a water bottle when I've clearly sat down only two seconds ago.
17) he's jut lazy.
18) he blames his mom for a lot of his laziness. yes his mom.
19) he claims to have a high tolerance for pain but if he gets a tiny cut on his hand he wont be happy till he gets a bandaid on it.
20) he insists on using paper plates, paper cups, plastic utensils for eating and then leaves them laying around everywhere. The point is to make cleaning up easier.
21) he spends a lot of money. I worry that living with him would be a financial migraine.
22) i cant talk to him about these things I'm mentioning because he gets upset and takes it as an insult. or throws it out as not being a problem or a big deal.
23) he's 25, I'm 20. Obviously one of us is not legal yet, but he will still leave me out alone if we are in a group and everyone is drinking. I find it insensitive.
24) he's got a major ego but i think i'm at least starting to crack it. he'll take an idea I proposed and claim that he's a genius for coming up with such a "brilliant idea."
25) he averages about4-8 units a semester and he doesn't even work.
26) he'll come over to do geeky shit with my dad and stay till like 1 in the morning. hell talk so loud that i can hear him from every room of the house. at least they don't take my car everywhere now since a guy hit them when they were driving it. my god...
27) he says racist things because of the area we live in. i dont even think he realizes how he sounds.
28) when we drive by a questionable person he will look at them directly and lock the door as we pass by. i think we could get shot one day if he does that to the wrong person.
29) when we walk by a questionable person he will make an obvious beeline away from the person and then get back on path. its embarassing and rude.
30) if he wants something he buys it. so if its time for his bday, i can't get him a good gift cuz he's got everything already.
31) he watches too much tv.
32) he is stubborn. but now i don't care. if i lose him to his stubbornnes it will ultimately be his loss and his fault. so i usually get my way now.
33) he doesn't have very good table manners. neither do i but just becuase we are in denny's versus a steakhouse, is not an excuse to dramatically change the way you eat at the table.
34) he'll order a pizza and eat the entire thing in one sitting.
35) he'll order chicken teriyaki which usually has veggies mixed in. then he'll pick all the meat off the plate and throw away all the veggies, even though they are covered in teriyaki sauce.
36) he used to want me to pick up lunch or dinner for him all the time. I think thats where alot of my money went.
37) he usually does things like go walking with me somewhere if he's got some kind of advantage for doing it. like if we go walk at a nice park he'll do it cuz there is a walmart on the way back. i don't think i ever remember him doing something only for me without having an ulterior motive.
38) when we took some classes together last semester he expected me to do so much of the work for him and then blamed me when he didn't get a good grade. if he does that again i couldn't care less if we break up. he needs to learn how to do his own damn work and be independent.
39) he's sometimes a little too honest with me about my looks. i don't appreciate it when he points out the flaws i have associated with my weight. he's no model either.
40) he doesn't brush his teeth very often and then when he kisses me i feel suffocated by bad breath. he wont floss because he says his teeth are too crowded. bullshit. mine are crowded too.
41) i at least bother to be showered most of the time before sex but he almost never showers or even brushes his teeth. its not sexy to kiss somebody with yellow plaque stuck to his two front teeth and dry lip skin stuck to the corners of his mouth. its almost nauseating.
42) he takes his mom's shit. i don't know why.
43) i pick him up almost every time. i get up earlier than him to go to school and i pick him up and i take him back and i study for both of us and i end up getting a worse grade. im too stressed.
44) when he eats at my house he leaves his trash and dirty dishes around. its okay once or twice but he does it every time.
45) he's a baby. doesn't like tea cuz its "too hot." doesn't like to go for a walk in his neighborhood cuz its "so ghetto" which it is not. wont walk at the mall cuz it's "too crowded." wont go out in the evening cuz there is "too much traffic," and I am the one driving, by the way. wont eat veggies cuz "they don't taste good." won't shower "cuz its a hassle." doesn't brush his teeth because he "doesn't have his own bathroom." wont change the birds water cuz it "will bite" him. is afraid of more bugs than me and i am afaid of spiders pretty badly. wont clean the kitchen cuz it makes his "back hurt." wont drive his own car because the "drivers window doesn't work" or because my car gets better gas milage, which actually means i pay for all the fucking gas.
46) he calls me "solitary" when i dont get his food and watch tv with him and help him do stuff. maybe it is but i'm tired of being like his mom. he needs to do shit for himself.

things that i do under his influence that i hate.

1) i eat much more fast food.
2) i spend alot more money than i used to.
3) i hardly exercise.
4) i am more messy now than i have ever been.
5) i dont have friends.

tomorrow i should do his movies thing and immediately come back home and be away from him. his bad habits are getting to me. i mean they are even rubbing off on me.

I changed some things about myself so we would get along better. I eat more often with him which tends to be unhealthy food and that sucks. I study with him which means i usually do most of the studying and that makes me stressed and angry. I don't point out things he might wanna change about himself anymore becuase he gets defensive or gives me an excuse for his being that way. For example if i tell him i am not happy paying for a lot of our meals he says we balance each other out cuz he buys some of them or pays for our hotel stays on vacations. i mean yea he pays the bigger bills but my litte expenses add up to more than the big bills he pays. another example was our last vacation. it was to celebrate our one year anniversary. i didn't know what to give him as a gift so he thought it would be a good idea for me to help with gas and food and the hotel in exchange for the gift he would give me. He spent maybe 15 dollars on my gift. Yeah. Thank god we at least abandoned the idea of me helping with cost once we were there cuz i would have been extremely pissed.

i find it satisfying that he will be forced to walk in london. and eat food he's not familiar with. and share a room with people he doesn't know. and have to learn to live in another culture. we could be going to another culture entirely, like spain, but at least its different. i find it satisfying that he will HAVE to go out with a lot of people around him and just get used it. there will be no tv or computer to escape to. and im glad there wont be any target. he is driven very very strongly by habit. same food all the time. same stores. same route inside the stores.

well i have to stop cuz my computer isn't too happy right now. its very hot.

I've had a good night's rest and I'm still so damn argheddddd. WTF?! This morning I need to call my insurance company about getting my prescription early. I've been waiting since Friday cuz they don't answer the fucking phone on the weekends. So I called a little while ago and they gave me another number to call, which I did, but THEY won't answer for another hour. ARGH.

Anyways, I guess I could do other stuff meanwhile. Like buy the correct type of coffee filters. We have like a million of them but none of the ones that we need for our coffee maker. I tried to use our cone shaped ones but it couldn't handle the water load. Argh. I wanna trash this house right now. It's getting my my god damn nerves.

I need to get a haircut today. Probly after I do the insurance thing. And maybe I'll get the coffee filters while I'm out. Then later my bf wants to go to wal mart and possibly out to eat lunch at this really good yummy place. Which is great but I can't stay at his house again because my mood is not very stable right now and I won't get shit done while we sit in front of his stupid tv all day watching the same variety of shows, or lack of variety.

So I am sitting here trying to type and this annoying pause is coming up. My freaking anti virus is running. I hate all the shit you need to have to run windows. It's like you set the fucking operating system up and by the time you get all the security shit running and scanning and firewalling and protecting, you don't have anymore time or memory to do anything else but KEPP YOUR FUCKING COMPUTER CLEAN AND RUNNING. WTF. Its a pointless circle of shit and if it weren't for this in-between time where people and business and apple and microsoft are straightening out their decisions about how to run the computer world, I might find the will the get a mac and be done with it. But I don't have the money and I don't like the whole uncertainty of it.

Its really fucking annoying when you are typing and the computer cant keep up with your typing speed because its using all the memory to keep itself clean. Its like a cat who cant stop licking itself for one second to be a nice pet and curl up on your lap. Argh.

Its already getting hot too and its barely 8 am. And my bf thinks that the best time of day to walk is in the morning. Heh. Maybe, but he'd have to get out of bed at 5 am to go walking at the optimal time of day. So I'm gonna have to just sit here and wait so I can call my insurance company when they open. This suck ass.

Sofa-King Lazy

I am so arghed today and I don't even have a clue why. This morning my bf kept calling me to say his mom wanted me to go and help him keep his grandfather company. Okay... I don't see why I am any help. He called again to say he bought lunch, a couple tacos for me. Okay... I wanna say thanks but I'm having a really hard time dieting right now. I can't seem to keep weight off.

So I get there and we watch tv. His grandfather goes home and we watch tv. We come back from errands and we watch tv. Around 7.15 he finally decides he'll go for a walk with me. It lasts about 15 minutes... Argh argh argh. How the hell will I ever manage to lose weight when I expect to do a good amount exercise... at least 30 minutes when he only wants to do short walks and maybe 2 or 3 times a week only?

Right now he is talking to a friend who screwed up her computer. He's asking me if I wanna go with him to help her fix it but I remember the last time we did that. I felt pretty out of place. I don't wanna go again.

I am so arghhhhhed. Ugh. Why?! I didn't do anything to make myself feel arghed. Nothing bad has happened.

I have no energy either. Probably all this is cuz my sleep is screwed up yet again. It happens every now and then. It doesn't matter if I try and fix it now tho cuz I'm leaving soon anyways.

Cluttered Mind

Too many thoughts: unresolved worries and problems, unresolved decisions, things to do, upcoming events, feelings, loneliness. Its like a need girl friends in my life, besides my boyfriend and family who seem to be my only source of a social life.

Sometimes I feel like I have some sort of undiagnosed mental problem like social phobia or depression but I think my problem is just that I need a bigger social life. I miss having friends to talk to when I have absolutely nothing to do, and hanging out doing girly stuff at home, and shopping together (without a guy waiting for us outside the store). I need that in my life and I miss it. I miss having someone to do homework with who is equally as focused on doing well in school. I can do stuff with my boyfriend and all but its just not the same as having girl friends. Or even a best friend who you don't have any sort of romantic relationship with. It's a different sort of intimacy that I miss. What am I supposed to do when my bf is busy? I don't have a problem being alone but I don't wanna be alone that much. And I need OTHER people in my life. One person is not enough to bounce ideas off of and talk to about personal things in ur life. And I need people who have different personalities. There are things me and him don't agree on which is fine but I'd like to agree with someone else about those things at some point, at least. I don't even have anyone to exercise with or to eat the same foods that I like with or to do the girly things with that my bf is too much of a guy to do with me LOL.

I know it sounds kinda childish that I miss reading magazines with friends and doing makeup together and watching chik flicks with but even if it is, I think they are important ways to relieve stress from life. The girls who are (were?) my friends are all too busy to hang out anymore. I mean even once every few months would be enough. But I haven't seen them in maybe a year. I don't necessarily like the people in my neighborhood, just the girl next door but she's busy with a boyfriend too. I guess I should talk to her. She was fun to hang out with too. She even said she missed me too the other day when I ran into her.

Maybe if I had girl friends I'd have more reason to actually sleep at night and be awake during the day.

My cluttered mind is currently filled with the following:

1) Is what I am studying what I should really be pursuing? Is it for me?
2) I want somebody to exercise with on a regular basis, that enjoys exercising outside during the early morning or at dusk.
3) I want to go to the beach but nobody seems to wanna go. Going alone would suck a little.
4) I want to eat sushi with someone who actually likes it.
5) I have so many things to do before I leave for vacation and I have no motivation whatsoever to get them done.
6) My house is a freaking mess and I am overwhelmed to a point where I'd rather sit on the couch and avoid it all.
7) I want somebody to complain to about my boyfriend when he does stupid stuff to piss me off.
8) I want somebody to gush to about him when he does really sweet things too.
9) I want somebody to talk to about the interesting things in life, like art and music and philosophy and religion and nature.
10) I want to get away from the computer geek once in a while.
11) I wanna go to disneyland and to other fun places with somebody who doesn't get overwhelmed by crowds and traffic.
12) I have to pack and I am very reluctant to do it.
13) I want somebody to be a wuss about my wisdom teeth with. Somebody who is scared of pain just like me.
14) I just need more friends in general.
15) I need to get my school stuff in order and figure out what the hell it is I wanna do becuase I feel like I am wasting time.

And there is more but it could be a very long list.

I'm glad I at least have to blog to vent in. And I don't have to worry about grammar and shit.

Anyways right now its 5.37 am. I slept yesterday afternoon and I laid down for a little while a couple hours ago. I think I should be okay to get through the day without falling asleep. I really need to get some things done today and quit putting it off.

I'm a little annoyed right now. Trying to make me eat pizza when I'm trying to diet. Waking me up every 10 minutes when I'm trying to sleep. Talking about me in the next room when I can hear through the walls. At least he left at a decent time today.

Earlier this month me and boyfriend went on a week long vacation, partly to be alone, and partly to visit his family. The first part of the vacation was nice but once we got to his family's place I couldn't be happy. I felt so out of place... they are religious and I am not, they are family oriented and I am not, they like to eat around a table together and I am not used to it. I was there for like 2 or 3 days and on top of feeling out of place I was dreading going out to eat mexican food with them for dinner. I think steem was blowing out of my ears while I was ordering the least fattening thing I could find on the menu and drinking water while everyone was enjoying their freaking margaritas. And they somehow felt the need to ask me how old I was and said that next year things would be different.

As of now my opinion is still that there will not be a next year. I didn't like eating at that restaurant with them last year and I didn't like it this year. I am pretty sure I wont like it next year either. See I would not have minded so much that they were drinking without me if it weren't for the ongoing conversation among Everyone But Me that maybe I should drive them home, and saying things like "is that what a buzz feels like?" Tell me something. Why the fuck am I labled an adult, yet treated like a child?! After spending the first twenty minutes in the bar area with them, my temper began to reach its max capacity. If they said something they thought was funny, I didn't laugh. My face was stiff. My voice was loud. My muscles tense. Can somebody for once, freaking have some decency and not leave me out, and THEN expect me to fucking drive them home after leaving me out?!

There won't be a next year because I still don't forgive them for leaving me out a year ago. And I certainly don't forgive them for a few weeks ago. It's a matter of principal. I don't think they deserve my company and I don't deserve theirs.

I haven't even mentioned to part about them ASSUMING that I was Christian. Hello, people? You might want to ask me what my beliefs are before telling me we are going to church on Sunday. I am not religious, I am not anti-religious. Just let me be while I figure it out... argh. I've tried the Catholic thing and the Christian thing. It just didn't work out and I could not bring myself to believe. As of this point in my life the only thing I am pretty sure about is that we are Probably not alone. Thats all. No stories, no specifics on who the "others" may be, and no idea about "power." If I were supposed to believe in "God," I feel like I would have been deathly certain about it by now and I am definately not.

So don't tell me we are going to some religious ceremony that I have to kneel and stand and walk down an isle and eat bread and drink wine and cross my forehead with holy water at. And don't make me sit at your family table and make me hold hands with you and recite a prayer that, by now, I have completely forgotten. I have already tried to embrace that and it hasn't worked out. Let me be, people...

So back to the alcohol thing. I find it extremely annoying being just shy of the legal drinking age and being treated as if I have never had a drop of alcohol in my system before. I think I'm still going to resist celebrating my 21st birthday. I find it common and stupid and, yes, immature to celebrate it by doing the free drinks thing at a local bar and waking up the next morning completely oblivious of anything I did on my birthday. If I could twist it into a version I'd like better, I'd prefer a wine tasting or something of the sort for my bday. Not drunkness. And I wouldn't fucking drive anywhere because I drive everywhere and I am so tired of it.

Let me give the general US some advice. If you believe your kids should follow the law and not drink until after their 21st birthday, don't expose them to other cultures. And moreover, if you do decide to expose them to other cultures, don't try and restrict them to the american culture after that because they will resent you for it. I almost feel like I should permanently leave the country for a nation that is more realistic. How can you expect someone to drink responsibly at their 21st after having taught them nothing about alcohol except saying things at school like "its a drug just like tobacco." Why not teach them constructively?

I did a little research and found out that not only is purchasing alcohol in this state illegal if you are underage, but consuming it is also illegal. If we must insist that the age remain 21, we might want to consider altering the law so that the consumption part is no longer illegal. That way parents could teach their kids legally before they reach their 21st birthday. Maybe then the temptation to get fucking hammered that day wouldn't be so great. Or maybe a law that says you could have one drink a day. I'm sorry, maybe that sounded lame to you? How about a legal drinking age that nobody follows? Thats lame too.

I think it's bullshit that I'm 20 and can't have a drink once in a while, legally. I have insomnia and whatever those scientists think alcohol does to ruin sleep doesn't matter to me. A beer will most of the time relax me to a point where I can fall asleep in a reasonable amount of time. I feel like I might have done better in high school had I gotten better sleep, had the legal drinking age been much lower, had this culture accepted the idea of teaching young people how to drink responsibly instead of just saying NO. In December I'll be 21. I almost want to rebel the idea of celebrating my 21st birthday, because I'm so fed up with being over 18 and unable to purchase alcohol. I believe that in the future the legal drinking age will be set back to 18. I'm amazed when I see young Americans in foreign countries going out to bars and clubbing all night long because, hell, when they go back home they won't be able to do it anymore, at least till they are 21. I feel like I am an adult being told to follow a childish rule. It's possible for me to be arrested for "underage drinking." Huh? Imagine yourself getting married. You are 19. You could technically get arrested for having that sip of champagne immediately after the toast "to a beautiful marriage!" What the fuck, America? Why not at least have some uniformity and have the legal age to do ANYTHING be 21? Wouldn't it be easier for everyone? If my friend turns 21 just a few days before me, I wouldn't be able to step into a bar to at least BE with her. I think it's socially unhealthy.

But fuck that. The taboo of drinking is such a rain on this cultures parade. All bars, to me, now are dead space. They are very uncomfortable and useless anyway because you have to drive home afterwards... I think the real reason the legal age was raised to 21 is to provide designated drivers. I am a designated driver because I have friends over 21 but I am not 21 yet. I pretty much refuse to go out with them. Why does the younger (less experienced) driver have to be the designated driver? I won't be. I refused that position. I would teach my own children how to drink before they figure it out by themselves. The problem doesn't seem to be so much the law but the people of this country. They COULD teach. They could speak out if they cared enough. But I think they are scared. Isn't it sad that you could die in war before ever taking drink? And it's just a fucking drink. It's not anywhere near as deadly as a gun.

You can legally be loopy as hell in public while on Vicodin after having your wisdom teeth out (which possibly didn't need to be removed anyway, but provided your oral surgeon with a nice check to take home), but you cant have a nice glass of wine on a Friday night after a long week and be in peace with the idea that you are not breaking the law. The entire country is afraid to let go of childhood and that is why the legal age was raised to 21. The message that I get from this is that at 18, 19 and 20 years old, you are still enforcing child labor in America. Yes, thats right, when I sit at the counter and politely ask for 1 drink (its a treat) the waiter looms over and says NO. I'm too young (read: a child) to handle my alcohol responsibly.

So instead of a measly beer on a Friday night, I sit here and widen my ass just a little bit more with a bowl of ice cream. Because I can't have what I really want. Because I'm a child. Because America is scared.

My boyfriend seems hell-bent on taking me to Las Vegas to celebrate my 21st. I hate Vegas. It's obnoxious. My idea of celebrating my coming of legal age is buying me the brand of wine I prefer and going home without getting questioned about it. That's all. I don't wanna get drunk off my ass. And come home at 6 am drooling and semi-conscious. And try 7 or 8 cocktails on top of the 2 beers and a couple of shots of different liquors. On my birthday, I want my freedom and I want to exercise it responsibly and have a toast to America: "To getting carded like a child until I look old. Minutia is what we are all about."

Lately I'm so annoyed by the area I live in. I'm surrounded by overweight people and fast food and too much tv. It drives me crazy how lazy people are here.

The last two days I've had to push my reluctant boyfriend to walk with me after dinner. It's a measly 20 minute walk but at least its something. There aren't many good places to walk because there are too many cars and this city is built for cars, not for people. It's also built for fast food, not for cooking. The other day me and my boyfriend wanted to bbq and get some fresh bread instead of picking up taco bell or the like. Get this: it took one hour and a half to find food because A) traffic is awful and B) the stores didn't have what we were looking for. It's too urban here. There is no such thing as natural anymore, at least here.

I'm kinda annoyed with my boyfriends food choices and general perception of eating mostly becuase he fits the description of most american lifestyles. He eats lots of fatty food and almost no vegetables or fruits. For him fruit = jamba juice. French fries and tortilla chips are "good filler foods." Del taco and In and Out are among his favorite foods. And after dinner he prefers to veg in front of the tv. He considers walking around target exercise. I'm annoyed because I love him and I can see that his choices are probably gonna shorten his life. And I would like him to be around as long as possible. Maybe I'm selfish but I want him to be around for me.

I am convinced that there is no way to lose weight living here. Most of the weight I have lost has been the result of going overseas and living a different lifestyle. I've managed to maintin my current weight of 175 for about 5 months and in a week I'll be out of the country again. I expect to lose another 10 to 15 pounds while I'm away. I hope this trip I'm taking with my bf will open his eyes and show him that there are better ways to live. I am 20 now and I've been trying to live healthier since I was 13. Every friend I invited to exercise with me has bailed. My food choices are considered unhealthy because apparently my perception of a healthy diet is not enough food. I think it's rediculous how bad this culture has gotten about it's health. People look at girls like Hilary Duff and accuse them of being anorexic. I'm sorry but hilary looks just fine to me. I think she looks anorexic to some ppl because they don't know anyone who is at a healthy weight.

I hate reading articles in the newspaper that say people should "turn off the tv and get moving instead" because doing that is not enjoyable at all in such an urban area. I can't even walk through my neighborhood without fearing that I'll be run over by a drunken idiot or attacked by a pit bull. Yeah, it could be worse. I could be fearing that I'll be shot but the drunk idiot and dog wouldn't be such a problem if there were more space for the amount of people that live here. It is too damn crowded. I hate people's perception of exercise too. Treadmils and gyms and tae bo tapes. wtf. Go for a walk. Try ditching your car for a while or take your bike instead. Walk to the supermarket. Take the bus. I take back the walking to the supermarket thing because food is sold in unmanagably heavy sizes that cannot be carried home on a 15 minute walk. I have a market right around the block, maybe a 10 minute walk but i cant walk there because of the food sizes and also I'd have to walk through a gang-ridden alley to get to it. This is the suckiest place for trying to be healthy. When I finish school I think I'm going to move away.

I remember in high school they made writing essays a part of PE. WTF. PE is Physical Education, not written education. There is a reason that English is taught as a separate class. And the PE period was about 45 minutes long. Subtract 20 minutes for changing clothes and calling roll and stretching and you only get 25 minutes left of physical activity. Most of which is used to teach ridiculously slow sports like bowling and golf and racket ball. I remember being taught these things and told to follow the rules of the game. I don't understand why they see it so important to teach rules and not just teach you to be active and have fun doing it. I dunno if its the teachers or the regulations that cause this bullshit but something needs to be uncorrupted. If I wanted to learn how to bowl I could go to a bowling alley. Or play miniature golf.

I rememeber taking PE in summer school one year to get it out of the way. I took 2 semesters worth in 6 weeks. 5 hours of PE a day. Hard work but fun and so rewarding. There was hardly any classroom time and we did lots of useful things like stretching and floor exercises and running and more active sports like baseball and basketball. I wish I could do it again. Sunburns and all becuase that was probably the healthiest time of my life. I almost wanted to be in the military just for the exercise part of it. The only bad thing about that summer was that I hurt my back doing push ups. The teacher told me to stop doing them but I didn't wanna stop becuase I was doing so good. I mean I don't have that drive anymore. This culture takes away your life. Im not saying its the worst, cuz it could be much worse but why not try to improve?